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Narcissistic children and self-esteem
Posted on March 30th, 2009 1 commentThere can be no doubt that self-esteem is an important part of people’s lives. It is also true that we all like to be encouraged and affirmed in what we do and who we are – it makes us feel good about ourselves.
Historically, British schools have been pretty poor at developing pupil’s self-esteem; in fact I would argue that they have often done serious damage to pupils in this regard. Some years ago I came across a youngman in his 20s who when he was 16 and about to go into his GCSE maths exam had been told by his maths teacher, that it would be a waste of his time and that of the exam marker if he actually bothered to sit the exam. Five or six years later when I met this young man he still regarded himself as ‘stupid’ – not merely in maths but generally. I was reminded of this young man, this week when I read of a paper presented at the Association of School and College Leaders conference in Birmingham by Dr Carol Craig suggesting that our schools are in danger of producing narcissistic children who are likely to develop an “all about me mentality”. The ‘praise culture’ was something that also arose in a conversation I had with a former colleague a few weeks ago. We had worked together for a number of years in special educational needs within a mainstream school. She told me of a new member of staff who was inclined, in her opinion, to praise children for ‘almost anything’ – if a child sat quietly for five minute, he was praised before the rest of the class; if he wrote two or three lines in English, he was similarly praised. In the opinion of my former colleague this devalued praise – the child was simply being praised for what he should have been doing in the first place!
Teachers are, however, in a very powerful position within their classrooms. Ultimately, it is teachers who decide what is truth and what is not,what is correct and what is wrong. I have often chided teaching friends of mine by saying that as teachers we are the only individuals who ask people questions to which we already know the answer! That position of power is so easily abused when a child is scorned or even mocked for not knowing the answer that the teacher is looking for. In my experience, far from creating a generation of narcissistic egoists, my feeling is that teachers do not give children sufficient real praise. Those of us who are home educating need to guard against the same failing – our children need to be encouraged not only when they do well, but also when they have tried their best – and as parents we are best placed totell the difference.
By the way, if you are interested in what happened to the young man with the appalling maths teacher, heeventually went to university and secured a very respectable 2:1degree, but only after good people convinced him that his schoolexperience was inaccurate and that he was actually quite able!
One response to “Narcissistic children and self-esteem”
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shelleyt March 25th, 2010 at 14:20
I have to respond to the issue of ‘self-esteem’. I avoid the phrase like the plague. ‘To esteem’ is at the very least to respect, but it also has connotations of reverence and worship too. I find the flaw in the idea of self-esteem is that a person must constantly feel good about themselves. I don’t always feel good about myself and sometimes it is very right that I don’t.
When I teach students I tend to use the term ‘self-worth’. It’s an English teacher’s thing, I know, to be so pedantic, but I am awestruck by the power of language and so I tend to be cautious with my ‘labels’. I believe students should definitely be encouraged in all areas of schooling – academic achievement, citizenship, effort, manners, team work and so on. I also don’t believe praise or encouragement should be stingy. Still, I believe there seems to be a cultural imperative that one must feel good about oneself all of the time. So, when I am not doing at least the minimum effort, or I steal something from the teacher’s pencil case, or I am cruel to a class mate I am still not encouraged to remorse or conviction. Actually, even normal feelings like fear, sadness and grief aren’t always dealt with either. The book shop across the road from me would only stock three of a series of emotion books for little people (I wanted them for Tess). They had
‘Happy’, ‘Kind’ and ‘Love’ but didn’t get in ‘Scared’, ‘Angry’, ‘Sad’ or ‘Jealous’ (the last three are emotions even God feels – I’m not sure about scared). I talk to students about the times it is appropriate to feel bad things too and I have found that the language of ‘Self-esteem’ doesn’t allow for that.A child should feel worthwhile, we should all know that our intrinsic worth is one of great value. We should value it so much that when we don’t look after ourselves or others or we behave badly we should feel convicted to do better and try better. Simultaneously, if sitting still when I am a fidgeter (and I am) is something the teacher notices then I think it’s right to go ahead and commend me. It’s appropriate to commend one child for a C grade and encourage another one to try harder. The grade isn’t the issue, the child is the important thing.
We live in a world where if something is hard to get it must be more valuable. I think we have got to the point where love and praise are treated with the same ungenerous hand. I have also found that being generous with praise gives my disappointment a great deal of power too. I don’t need to punish or humiliate to let a child know that he or she could have done better. And disappointment is an intensely loving punishment, it doesn’t seek to hurt but to let the child know that I have a wonderful image of him or her that I expect he or she can live up to. You can only get disappointed when someone isn’t working to be their best self. Self-worth is knowing that I do have a better self that needs to be maintained and loved (just like everyone else).
I think self-esteem is about working at preserving a feel good state without tending to the character.
Just my opinion.
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